God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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