im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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