i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
