i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
A bitchslap is in order.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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