Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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