i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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