I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
