I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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