It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
