I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
