Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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