yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
