my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
