I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
