i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
