No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
