A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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