Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
