literally had 100 drinks last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
