If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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