I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
