Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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