i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
