I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
