He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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