My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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