I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
