That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
