I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
