dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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