There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
