so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
