i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i think my cat just said my name.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
