we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
