Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
