when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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