Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
