I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
