i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
