Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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