Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
