i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
