Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
