Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
