the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
