eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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