i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
