I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
organizing the empties. That sober.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
