Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
