I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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