my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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