I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
